I have consulted the oracle and can confirm that I have a severe case of sudden onset taperchondria. It was an easy diagnosis to make for I have all the classic symptoms.
- Dull ache in left hamstring: check
- Weird cramp in right foot: check
- Bruised feeling under left heel: check
- Repeated twinges in knees: check
- Non-specific lethargy: check
- Night terrors and insomnia: check
- Panic attacks and irritability: check
All the symptoms are intermittent, and all have manifested for the first time this week. Given the rapid progress so far, it seems certain that by marathon day I will have disintegrated completely. My only hope is the baked bean cure*. I just hope that I have common-or-garden taperchondria and not the more exotic BBRT** variety.
Oh well. There’s always next year.
* 1/2 tin of baked beans every day for a week. If symptoms persist, 1 tin of baked beans every day for another week. Cures 95% of all ailments.***
** Baked Bean Resistent Taperchondria
*** This does not consitute real medical advice. For that, you need to visit a doctor. But remember, before you go to A&E, ask yourself two questions:
Is it an accident?
Is it an emergency?