I have consulted the oracle and can confirm that I have a severe case of sudden onset taperchondria. It was an easy diagnosis to make for I have all the classic symptoms.

  • Dull ache in left hamstring: check
  • Weird cramp in right foot: check
  • Bruised feeling under left heel: check
  • Repeated twinges in knees: check
  • Non-specific lethargy: check
  • Night terrors and insomnia: check
  • Panic attacks and irritability: check

All the symptoms are intermittent, and all have manifested for the first time this week. Given the rapid progress so far, it seems certain that by marathon day I will have disintegrated completely. My only hope is the baked bean cure*. I just hope that I have common-or-garden taperchondria and not the more exotic BBRT** variety.

Oh well. There’s always next year.

* 1/2 tin of baked beans every day for a week. If symptoms persist, 1 tin of baked beans every day for another week. Cures 95% of all ailments.***

** Baked Bean Resistent Taperchondria

*** This does not consitute real medical advice.  For that, you need to visit a doctor.  But remember, before you go to A&E, ask yourself two questions:

Is it an accident?
Is it an emergency?


About abradypus

A Bradypus or Sloth am I, I live a life of ease, contented not to do or die but idle as I please; ... [Michael Flanders and Donald Swann]
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5 Responses to Taperchondria

  1. shazruns says:

    Maybe mines on its way at the night terror stage will stock up on bb just in case I deteriorate with other symptoms ths week.

  2. Rob Curtis says:

    Had half a tin of beans tonight (just in case). Ooh my knee…

  3. plustenner says:

    brilliant post! really made me chuckle 🙂 you will be absolutely fine on M-day xx

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